God’s Work

“When I am afraid I put my trust in you.” Psalm 56:3

img_6738-1As we pulled up to the entrance of the emergency room, my dad rushed out of the car to grab a nurse. He told them that I am having serious abdominal pain, bleeding, and that I was unable to sit up in the car. Crying in the back of the car and laying on my side with my hands over my lower abdomen, the nurse came to the door.

“What’s her name?”She asked my parents.

“Vashti,”they replied.

“Vashti, sweetheart can you sit up and hop into this wheelchair?”She asked me.

“I can’t get up and I can’t move.”I said.

“Okay, well can you try and crawl your way over to me? If you can crawl halfway to the door, then I can grab you from there.”She said.

I started to crawl my way to the wheelchair and as I made it to the door she did exactly as she said she would do. She grabbed me, picked me up, and put me in the chair. Still hunched over in a ball and still crying from the pain, as she pushed me into the ER, I grabbed her left arm, and buried my face into it. With each cramp that I felt, I grabbed her arm tighter. We finally made it to the emergency room. Two more nurses came in to help pick me up and put me on the bed. While one nurse comforted me, and the other cleaned up after me, another started an IV. Once the IV was started, I felt my body go into a relax mode, I turned on my side, laid in a fetal position, and started to fall asleep.

My mom had sent Shawn from my phone. She told him that she and my dad and I were all in the emergency room. He called right away after receiving the text to ask what was going on and if I was okay. My mom told him that I was okay for the time being and comfortable, but the cramps did come back from time to time. My parents and I waited in the ER, for what seemed to be about four hours before any doctor came. Every twenty-five minutes a “code red” or a “code blue” was announced over the intercom in a woman’s voice, and for those every twenty-five minutes, no doctor, which meant more pain and more discomfort.

I cried all night. With every tear that I shed my dad was by my side and my mother giving me a kiss on my forehead. Even though I had my parents by my side, it seemed like it hurt even more that Shawn was not with me. A part of me started to feel angry and resentful of the fact. I kept telling myself that I should not have been going through this alone. That the man who was with me that night we conceived should have been there too. Believe me, he tried every thing in his power to take leave and come see me, but the downfall in that was that we weren’t married. Therefore, a girlfriend who’s across the country, pregnant, and miscarrying was not that much of a priority. At least, that is how it came across to me at the time.

Hours after waiting for the doctor, I was finally seen by one. After having a few X-Rays and an ultrasound, my doctor did confirm that I was in fact having a miscarriage, and that the cause of the cramping was a buildup of blood in my uterus and the sac, in which a fetus was supposed to be, was trying to flush itself out of my system. He recommended that I get a dilation and curettage procedure (D and C). However, the insurance that I was under did not cover such an expensive procedure. I won’t even begin to discuss the cost of it all. The only thing that my doctor could do was remove some of the blood that was building up and put me on some pain medication to help ease the cramping.

After the procedure was done, I rested for a few hours in the ER. A few hours later my doctor came in to check on me. I told him that I was feeling okay and that I think I was okay to go home that night…more like that morning. He informed me to take Advil as needed if the cramping continues, but most of all get in touch with my gynecologist. Now in the back of my mind all I thought was, “what the fuck can my gynecologist do at this point? I have an abnormal pregnancy, in which all there is to it is a sac that’s attached to my uterus but yet, no embryo or fetus.” However, it made sense when he explained it.

He basically told me that since I decided not to go with the D and C, that my gynecologist would be able to provide other options for me in removing the sac. Although it was a long, painful, and restless night, that same morning that I came back from the ER, my mom and I went to Baltimore to see my gynecologist. By the grace of God, someone canceled their appointment with her that same day, and they were able to have me seen. Arriving at the office, I just had the most unsteady feeling. I was scared but relieved at the same time that I could finally be getting answers to all of this.

***

 

IMG_6552As I waited in the room for my doctor, I remember sitting on the table and my mom sitting in the chair next to me. Nothing was said between the two of us, we just looked at each other, and it wasn’t a discomforting look that we gave one another, it was more of a relieved look. My mom looked relieved that I looked relieved and that this could be over upon walking out of the office. When my doctor finally walks in, she does her usual routine of asking me questions of what’s been going on and what symptoms I have been feeling. As she was starting the exam, two nurses walk in and my mom walks out, allowing them to do their jobs. My doctor performed the same type of procedure that the doctor did from the ER.

Like in the ER, after some of the blood was removed I felt some relief, but still some pain at the same time. My doctor explained to me that there are two ways to remove the sac. One way was of course the D and C. The other way was a pill that I could take, a pill that is commonly known as the abortion pill. The pill seemed to be the most easiest, cost effective, and more convenient at the time. By this time I was tired of being in doctor’s environment, I really just wanted to go home and rest. My doctor wrote the prescription for the pill. She informed that once the pill has taken effect, within thirty minutes to an hour, I will start to feel both pressure and some slight pain. Therefore, not only did she prescribe me with the pill, but she also prescribed me with strong pain killers to help ease the pain. In a nutshell, she basically said I would experience labor pains and labor itself.

Walking out of the office, still hunched over from the cramping and my mom holding as we walked out, I felt better knowing that this all was going to be over. I took pill right after dinner and went to my room that night. I took both the pill and the pain medication at the same time. I remember waiting. Just waiting to feel what my doctor said I could expect to feel. My mom stayed with me in my room that night. We cuddled and she held me like a baby. There’s nothing greater than the touch and affection of a mother’s love. We both fell asleep for about an hour, and then it came. That pressure, that pain, that my doctor was talking about….I FELT IT ALL. I tossed and turned, tossed and turned, tossed and turned for about a good twenty to twenty-five minutes. I finally got up to go to the bathroom and my mom followed behind to make sure I was okay.

The moment I got up, it was almost as if I could feel it detaching itself from my uterus. As I sat down on the toilet, I felt the pressure of it trying to push through. I could feel my cervix dilate, I could feel this form of life coming out of me. My heart was racing, my body temperature started rising, I could even feel myself start to hyperventilate. Moments later, it was over. I felt the sac finally push itself out and come out. My body still pouring blood and other bodily fluids from this pregnancy, and in all of this…I felt my body go into a relaxation.

“Are you okay?”My mom asked me.

“Yeah, I think I am. I think it’s over.”I said.

I finally got up, looked down, and saw…life. All I could do was cry. Just…just cry. Yeah…cry. As my mom held me, she started crying with me. As we are both crying, my dad comes downstairs, and hugs us both. In this moment, all I thought was, “is it really over? Did I really just experience, birth? Labor?” It’s unfortunate that I did under these circumstances, however, it was the most beautiful and humbling experiences I have ever had. It was my second best experience that I have ever felt the closest to God. That was the night that I experienced the power of being a woman. Within a matter of two to three ours, I went from a young lady to a young woman and it’s all because He had a plan all this time.

He knew from the moment Shawn and I conceived, to the moment I found out I was pregnant and was scared, that not only was I not ready to be a parent, but I was not ready to make a decision that I would have had to live with for the rest of my life, and take to my grave. I did not have to make the decision to grow up fast and become a responsible parent, when I was really just still a child myself. I did not have to make the decision of having an abortion. He made the decision for me the moment He felt my suffering, my uncertainty, and my fear, and to this day, whether it was an abnormal pregnancy or not, embryo or not, fetus or not, I know that my unborn child is somewhere with Him and living the best life that he or she could ever live.

God’s work is something that you don’t earn and you can’t buy, it’s just something that is given when He hears your cry and feels your pain.

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