To Every Woman

The story about my miscarraige.

img_0407I started writing The Diary of a Military Wife because I needed an outlet. I needed a way to cope with my stress and all of my other emotional rollercoasters I find myself experiencing on a day to day basis. However, in sharing my story with other military wives, I found that more women shed light on my story about my miscarriage more than anything.  I received more text messages, facebook messages, and Instagram messages about that more than I did about my military wife life experience, and it’s because of that I feel as if God has called me to dedicate a post to all women who have suffered from miscarriages and have kept quiet about it. So if you are reading this, and you have suffered from such a tragic event in life, I dedicate this post to you.

It was the winter of 2015 when I found out I was pregnant. The day I found out my heart I literally dropped. Sometimes people get excited when they find out that they are pregnant, me, however, I was just scared. I was far from prepared in becoming a parent. I kept my pregnancy a secret for a while. The only people that knew about it were my parents, my cousin, and the father of my child, who is now my husband. Why did I keep it secret? Well, I had many reasons.

The first reason was that of embarrassment.  I was embarrassed because I barely knew my husband at the time, two months into our relationship I got pregnant. However, that wasn’t the only thing that contributed to my embarrassment, along with only knowing him for only two months, I had met him online and flew out to California to meet him in person. I know crazy right? Sometimes I can’t believe it myself that I did that shit.

After seeing my mother cry when I told her, I didn’t want to tell anyone else until I knew what my for sure plan was going to be. As much as it pains me to admit it, yes abortion was my plan. Which leads me to my second reason why I kept my pregnancy a secret, I knew I would receive backlash, be ridiculed, and judged by everyone, which made me feel ashamed.

My decision to have an abortion never sat well with me. EVER. It kept me up and restless at night. I cried…literally cried myself to sleep every night for deciding on something that my heart and spirit truly did not want. About a week or so before my abortion appointment, I got down on both knees and ask God for so much forgiveness. “God forgive me for being so irresponsible. God forgive me for slapping you in the face with this blessing.” Deep down I couldn’t have this abortion. img_0405

I would not have been able to live with it. I remember asking God to please decide on a plan for me.  If it was in His plan and vision for me to keep this baby, grow up quickly, and become a parent, then I would, or if it was simply in His plan for me to give my child up to another family in need, then I would. Either way…I needed Him to decide for me because I couldn’t and didn’t want to decide.

Now we all know, that when we ask God for answers, we don’t always get the one that we want. We usually get the one that we need. I asked God to decide for me to either keep my baby or give my baby to a family in need. He gave me neither one. Not only did I find out at my appointment that I had a very abnormal pregnancy, as in there was no embryo,  just a sac, about eight to ten weeks into my pregnancy…I started bleeding. I knew that there was a possibility that I was miscarrying, but I didn’t panic too much, because I knew that it was common sometimes for women to have periods during their pregnancy, but when the cramps started to come…I knew then….it was about to be over. I bled for nearly two weeks.

The pain was excruciating! I have never experienced so much pain in my entire life. My doctor told that I had in fact miscarried and that I needed a D and C. I didn’t have a job at the time so I couldn’t afford a D and C. So my doctor prescribed me with a medication that would clean out what was left of my pregnancy. One thing she warned me about was that when this medication would kick in, it would feel like my body is going into labor.

img_0416The day I experienced labor pains…was the day I became a strong woman. This medication did exactly what my doctor said it would, and when it was over…it was over. I remember going to the bathroom and looking down in the toilet and seeing what was a part of my husband and I. It wasn’t a baby…but it was life. I cried and I prayed, I cried and I prayed, I cried and prayed…over and over and over again. I asked God for healing.

I never opened up to anyone about my pregnancy and miscarriage experience until now. My own brother didn’t even know what I had gone through. I remained silent for a year to a year and a half. I never talked about it to anyone. Not only did I not talk about it…but I had a hard time forgiving myself. I blamed myself for everything. From having an abnormal pregnancy to having a  miscarriage, I beat myself up entirely.

Every day I wonder, if I was more responsible, and had not taken two to three Plan B pills because we didn’t use condoms, would my pregnancy been normal? Every day I wonder, if I had gone with that first instinct when I thought I was pregnant and didn’t have that drink, would my baby still be here? Every day I wonder, when I decided to have an abortion, was my miscarriage God’s way of punishing me? Even after I asked Him to decide for me to keep my child or give it to a family in need. It took me a while to not only forgive myself but to understand that it really wasn’t my fault.

After a while, I saw the blessing in disguise and realized, that not only did God know that I couldn’t live with a decision that would hurt me for the rest of my life, but He also knew that I wasn’t ready to be a mother or leave my child in the responsibility of  someone else. I feared that if I gave my baby up for adoption they would resent me when they got older and that if I had kept my baby, I would not be able to provide for him or her.

God took care of what I would not have been able to do myself. My embarrassment and shame prevented me from being open about my story until I just decided to talk about it in my Diary of a Military Wife. The number of women who came to me and expressed their gratitude for being brave enough to share my story, made me feel so blessed, and mostly not alone.

To the woman who is reading this right now…you are not alone and you have nothing to be ashamed and embarrassed about. To the woman reading this right now…it wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong. To the woman who is reading this…it’s okay to talk about it. You don’t have to hide in the shadows or underneath the cracks. Believe it or not, there are other women like you that are out there waiting for you open up so that they don’t feel alone either.

So to every woman who has fallen off the bandwagon, to every woman who has cried wolf, to every woman who has experienced pain, both mentally, emotionally and physically, to every woman who has felt ashamed and embarrassed…you are an inspiration to all. You have the power to empower. Believe that, run with it, cherish it, and live it! I hope my story inspires you to share yours.

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